Funny New Year Resolutions . Knowles. Sponsored Links . I have found that this really works!! BREAKFAST* 1 Grapefruit* 1 slice whole- wheat toast* 1 cup skim milk. LUNCH* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup.
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Penguin Biscuit. AFTERNOON TEA* The rest of the Penguins from the packet* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping. DINNER* 4. bottles of wine (red or white)* 2 loaves garlic bread* 1 family size Supreme pizza* 3 snickers bars. LATE NIGHT SNACK* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer). FINALLY REMEMBER. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio .
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. Monday. Started my day at 6: 0. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Juan Antonio waiting for me. Juan Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Juan Antonio. . This is going to be a FABULOUS week! Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air.
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on.
Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.
He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - . I sank. Friday. I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
He is a stupid, skinny. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been. Saturday. That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up.
Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. Sunday. I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley . I'd. remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'As I. And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'So - away with the last of the.
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie - not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what. January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! I will read. at least 1. I will read 5 books a year. I. will read some articles in the newspaper this year. I will try to. read some articles in the newspaper this year. I will try and. finish the comics section this year.
New Year's Resolutions by Fido. Finally, Some Serious New Year's Resolutions : Men: 1) Set the goal yourself, rather than someone. Make only one new resolution.
Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on. Edith Lovejoy Pierce. Be careful. Never play for sums you can't comfortably afford. Never raise the. stakes when you're losing; only lower them, to graft your way back up. Be honest. Keep an exact record of all your wins and losses.
Look. hard and clearly, each month and at the end of each year, to see which. Never kid yourself you're doing better. Be clever. There should be a reason for every bet you make: every. Never insult anyone, live or online. Be gracious in victory. Remember that luck kicks and kisses us all.
When in doubt. read Kipling's book . That tells you how to live, how to be, and how to. Don't forget to enjoy it. What the hell, it's only a game. By Victoria Coren - Guardian columnist and successful poker player.
Spend more time with the family. Take more exercise - Get fit.
Lose (loose!) weight. Give up smoking (again). Get out of dept. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby. Put something into the community - help others.